On september 24th, 2018 around noon, I went to the local public hospital.
I went there by walk; it took about 30 minutes.
Then, I waited at the entrance for almost two hours just to find the courage to talk to someone.
Another 30 minutes later, I was finally sitting in a room waiting for the doctors.
It's a public hospital, so admittedly, I've then spent more than 5 hours waiting.
At around 7PM, I was finally meeting with two psychologists (one of them is a university student in training I think).
They asked a bunch of personal questions
They asked me about my suicidal thoughts (I had to say I had suicidal thoughts otherwise the wait would probably have been much longer lol): I would really never do it, because of animal instinct and stuff, but it's definitely a viable option. They said, "so you still see hope?" I said, maybe the answer is there and I just haven't found it yet.
I explained the situation: I don't know what my goal in life is, I don't want to be under control of other people, I can't make decisions, I get unjustly criticized for my opinions...
But I also mentioned several times that I can't solve my problems. "What are the problems?" they asked. I couldn't tell.
"It's complicated, I guess. I don't know what the problem is, but I know there's one."
They asked what could possibly have caused all of my questioning. I said there's this community I'm in and I blocked this friend that I had there (I don't remember why) which caused all sorts of dumb problems. I was accused of having paranoia.
They judged that I was totally fine and that I was ready to go home.
Another 30 minutes of waiting later, a probably important woman came to me with the two psychologists
I was told I was perfectly fine, and the woman asked me what kind of help I was expecting to get. I said I had nothing better to do.
A few other questions later, it had simply been concluded that "I have existential thoughts that invade my mind and bother me."
I was prescribed with Risperdal, and they prepared a team of experts who will come to my house every day to see how I am and to talk with me.
As I left the hospital (it was around 8PM), I felt even worse than before I arrived.
and then I slept for 18 hours and here we are
I don't want to take the drug. I feel it's going to make the real me disappear to replace me with a """better me""".
Coincidentally. Levi just began taking a drug? I saw that in chat. It seems to work way too well, but as we can see he's not the same person anymore. He was brainwashed. I don't want that to happen to me. I'm very strong; I can get through this without submitting myself to society.
As for the team of people... I don't want them to brainwash me, but again, I don't have anything better to do. Maybe they can help me find my problems and the answers to them; we'll have to see.
ooh sorry for the double post but when I wrote "I was accused of having paranoia." I meant by people from the community, not by the psychologists.
Also idk where the assumption that I don't like  comes from but it's certainly not true.
this post was fine besides not really telling the staff what your concerns were (they can't help what they don't know) until
>but as we can see he's not the same person anymore. He was brainwashed. I don't want that to happen to me. I'm very strong; I can get through this without submitting myself to society.
I don't know what my concerns are. Do you?
This is exactly the kind of message that I know there's something wrong about but can't pinpoint what. No one would seriously wish they hadn't been born: you just want to make me feel better. To me, this seems like a manipulative behavior of some sort. Please be more honest.
Silly. I had only taken have a tablet so far. I have not felt any change from it. I wasn't brainwashed. What changed is a matter of perspective.
On Monday, My special one and I were having our usual fights. I, of course, said a plethora of moronic things, including continuing the narative I was going to kill myself. Of course they had blocked me, so they didn't see it until later.
I was playing Smash Bros on my 3ds like any good prick when the police arrived at my door. They asked for me so I went out and they explained the situation. Apparently, someone had called in worried that I was going to end my life. There was only one person I knew who could do so.
They patted me down, stuck me in their car, and went off to the hospital. The police car had rather odious seating and the police officer seemed to love his mariachi music. I, for some reason, wasn't as scared as I should have been.
We showed up at the hospital, and they handed back my phone and told me good luck. My mother had followed us so she was there waiting with me.
I checked my phone. 2%. I also had not payed my phone bill. Great, I thought. I had to change into this godawful blue outfit and sit in this extremely empty room. This room, would become my new home.
My father showed up and both of my parents sat across from eachother. I was sat on a bed. The TV was on. I watched it, but I noticed I would not remember what I was watching whenever I thought about it. Every once and a while, someone would walk in. They checked my vitals. They told me that I would be waiting more. They asked me questions. This cycle of people for what seemed like an eternity. Vitals, waiting, questions. It had felt like I had been there months.
I was worried about my SO. He had to be worried sick by now. I wanted to get out and let him know I was okay. Eventually, almost 5-6 hours later, I was let out. Had it not been for the lack of space, and my selective mutism, I would have had to stay there indefinitely. When I walked out it was pitch black. There was a full moon. Finally, I was free. I felt like I had finally found freedom after years of solitude.
As overjoyed to be out as I was, I still worried. I still didn't know how they felt. When I got home, I plugged in my phone and waited anxiously.
Around 100 notifications. I could only read it for a moment before the guilt overtook me. They had cared more than I ever could have imagined. They thought I was gone. They blamed themselves for it. I had never felt as horrible about something in my life. When I spoke, they were estatic to see me.
I had done something very wrong. It wasn't the hospital or the police that made me realize. It was the one who cared about me the most. Technically, nothing has changed. I am still the same person I was before. But I know now that I have to be alright for their sake. I can't let them feel that way ever again.
So I had to be alright. No more thoughts of suicide. Even thinking about it makes me feel sick. I have to be more conscientious about what I say and how I act.
Sam, it isn't about brainwashing. There are no happy pills. I know you love the book Brave New World but there is no soma. The only real way to change is to change yourself. Medication is to help you break the initial barrier.
Just remember that people do care about you.
It's the other way around for me. I know I've grown bonds with someone else, and I think the key to success is actually to get rid of this bond, in order to achieve psychological independence. Yes, liking someone is perfectly acceptable and desirable, but to the point where everything you do in your life is for someone else's sake? You're being controlled.
To make things clear, I think happy pills / soma are BAD.
And (I know you can't see this) you got brainwashed into thinking you aren't being brainwashed. That's how "medication" works.
Also you're so much better at telling stories lol
I wasn't arguing that happy pills are good. I am saying that happy pills, sadly, just don't exist. There is a reason that even on medication I am required to go to therapy. As I said before, the medication is like training wheels. It is not some sort of instant gratification pill.
I truly believe that you don't understand the purpose of anti depressants at all.
As for attaining independence, yes, it is important. But people will care for you regardless. It is nearly impossible to be truly alone. And you should take their concerns into consideration.
I cannot make you believe but help and medication is not an issue. I always believed the medication was alright even before I starting taking it yesterday. I believe that denying its validity before doing very much research on it is problematic.
Regardless of the time needed for the drug to reach its goal, its goal is to forcefully change your mind and make you a different person.
Right now people don't like me because I don't adhere to their values :((((( so they want me to take pills so I can be the person they want me to be
I never said I wanted to be alone. I said I wanted people to stop trying to change my mind, and because they won't stop trying, I have to stay away from them.
"you should take their concerns into consideration" See? You're already one of them.
I am not other people's servant. I am not other people's resource. I am not responsible for other people's concerns. Making others feel good is not my job. I am a human being, a very real individual who can think, make decisions, do things from my own will.
Unlike you, I don't surrender. I'd rather die physically than die mentally.
I do wish it.
Not just for you, however.
I wouldn't enjoy my life enough that I would want to exist, even if I did make you happy.
It's just not fun enough.
I hate being sad. Even if I'm usually happy, it just hurts so much it's not worth it.
If I somehow stopped existing, I wouldn't regret it at all. There'd be no "me" to regret it. There'd be no "me" to feel bad for doing things to you, no "me" to feel bad for doing things to others. No "me" to feel sad. Ever.
Maybe I make some people happy, but I don't care. I hate being sad too much to want to exist for them. It's not like there'd be a "me" for them to miss, anyway.
I do wish it.
However, mostly for me.
Anyway I like y'all nonetheless. Otherwise I wouldn't be sharing my story! I can imagine it's a bit exciting to see how I go day after day.
Today I'm going to meet my family doctor today (not related to the hospital story)
Also as planned I'll probably meet the team of people starting today.