I wish it weren't necessary! I hate it!
I want to stay with my friends! I don't want them to care about me getting it. Everything can fall apart; My grades can collapse, but please let me stay with my friends! I want to stay with them forever.
I don't wanna think of anything else ever.
Why is everything so terrifying?
Even when I'm happy, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never be that happy again! IT'S HORRIFYING. I CAN'T EVEN SAVOR THE HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF THAT ANXIETY.
When my friends care about me and say they want me to sleep, my stupid mind tells me "you're annoying and that's why they want you to go." I try to resist saying I love them and want to stay and my mind tells me "I'm pathetic and clingy and irresponsible and overdramatic"; That I'm making everything worse...
And I end up feeling sad because the happiness ended because I had to sleep.
I don't wanna rest. Screw everything else. Friends mean more to me than anything else. I'd rather die than anyone I love. I love them more than anything, even though that's selfish.
I know I get more out of them than they do me, that I get attached too easily, that I worry them a lot and cause tons of problems... BUT I DON'T CARE. I LOVE THEM.
WHY CAN'T I STAY FOREVER?
WHY CAN'T HAPPINESS JUST BE HAPPINESS INSTEAD OF BITTERSWEET?
Curse this existence...
I do need a rest, actually...
It just never ends.
Too bad I won't ever get one because I love my friends too much. That's so ironic! There's really no way out of this pain, with how things are now!
Physical pain effectively distracts from emotional...
Some years ago, I had a hard bump on my chin... It wasn't like that other thing that is common for teenagers to get... It was hard. If you shove it in, you get a terrible throbbing pain. I eventually somehow thought it was a tumor... Cancer is gross and ugly, so I tried to... sort of get rid of it... I stabbed it with a sewing pin and tore with nails and that pin repeatedly... waiting for it to "drain" as I do with all injuries. It didn't drain... It kept going, endlessly... until I stopped. I was feeling lightheaded at that point... whether it be from blood loss or worry about blood loss -- probably the second thing. That's the most I'd ever bled in my life... My arms and hands had lots of red splotches.
Two days ago... I was gonna describe something, but my phone was off... I decided I didn't need to do that... But, now I want to. Two days ago... I seemed to have found another of these weird... bump thingies around the same place. I pushed it in so it was throbbing... and then squeezed it and stabbed it with fingernails as I tore it. I noticed...
I was in so much pain that it had become numb. I could just tear and tear at it as blood continued running out and I didn't feel it. Whenever I hurt myself, I always do it until blood comes out.
I think I hurt myself, in addition to other reasons, because I feel like that's what the awful person I am would do -- that I am that monster who does that for attention. Even if it's not really for attention in the act, mentioning it technically is a call for attention... and I know that's bad.
So, I hate myself more... and cycle repeats.
Oh... I forgot what I was here to say.
What are those weird, hard, bumps that never bleed dry?
I just get dark thoughts.
I like to think of myself as these two labels, at different times, basically:
"The weakest strong one you'll ever see" ~ How I try to appear strong yet I'm weak as can be truthfully
"The saddest bundle of joy ever" ~ Before I reveal MY DISGUSTING UGLY PROBLEMS THAT MAKE NOBODU WANNA BE AROUND ME EVER .... I seem extremely happy and positive... so I'm often called super happy.
They'd be surprised... But, I'm happy if they can think that.
I really wish people learning about truer sides was a thing that never happens
you sound like you're excusing this behavior with
"I'm seen as disgusting, thus I do this disgusting thing"
when really it's
"I do this disgusting thing, thus people see me as disgusting"
This fallacy is sometimes called "reverse causality"
It is common in mental illness because of the way criminal justice handles it--"criminal" or "mentally ill" becomes a cause for behavior... not just a diagnosis.
Quoting Corinne Henderson, "Why people with a mental illness are Over-represented in the Criminal Justice System"
"A defence of mental illness is commonly viewed as a loophole used to escape punishment. Debate surrounds the offender’s state of mind - whether they must be ‘mad’ to commit a crime or simply ‘bad’. The perception that a perpetrator feigning madness can avoid a sentence is not supported by
evidence. Only 1% of charges are dismissed under the Mental Health Criminal Procedure Act"
>I had a hard bump on my chin...
>If you shove it in, you get a terrible throbbing pain.
That just sounds like an under-the-skin pimple or zit, you just have to leave it alone until it rises to the surface, leaving a white bump on your face, then you can just use warm water over a towel, applying it to the zit/pimple, and (using the towel) apply pressure and pop it.
Pimple popping isn't bad for your heath if you do it the right way.
https://www.wikihow.com/Pop-a-Pimple (Method 4)
Yep, hopefully #27034 will google any problems they have in the future before taking action.
Upon further thought... I think you're somewhat right.
I'm pretty sure that I was initially disgusting. But, I think that I have gotten worse because others said I was instead of helping me improve.
Instead of letting them get the satisfaction of upsetting me, I decided I'd pretend to enjoy being the monster they exaggerated me as, sooo... I got worse.
Now, I'm natural.