i dont know

I don't have any skills, I can't do anything and I haven't learned anything, all of my knowledge is of little to no programming, video games, and anime. I want to believe that I am capable of more then that but am I? I don't know if I'm intelligent or not, I'm probably not very smart in any useful way, I have no skills, I have no friends, I am alone and I am scared, I'm scared of the my future, because the way I'm going I'll be the same way I am now when I'm 21, I have desires to do things of course, but I never end up pursing them, instead I lie, I am good at lying, I lie about doing the things I want to do, and show little bits of proof to family members, almost as if I'm trying to convince myself that I can actually do the things I want to do, but the truth is, I can't. I don't know if I can even learn, if I can't learn how will I go anywhere, how will I get anywhere I want to go? Right now I am stupid, incredibly, unbelievably stupid. I look back and I haven't done anything with my life, or in preparation for the future. Every time I think about this sort of stuff I go play a video game or watch another episode instead of doing what I should be doing, what I overall want to be doing, but it's almost like it's impossible. I've tried doing things like blocking out youtube, and video games but it's not that simple or that easy. I don't want to end up another link in the chain, walmart's number 1 employee, working a job that I don't love but 'Puts bread on the table', I am a complete waste of space, I want to create things, I don't want to end up there, that's not me, it can't be for me. I'm a total waste of potential, hell I don't know if there was any potential to begin with. Honestly at this point I just want to kill myself, I hate myself, I'm a good person, but I hate myself because at this rate I won't get anywhere, and if I end up working at some place just to live, then I don't want to live, I'd rather die, there's so much I want to do but I just can't fucking do it I try but I can't fucking do it, I don't know what to do I just can't do anything right, I just keep going and going keeping up this act until it all comes crashing down. Honestly, I should just go, just leave, I'm only a burden up until the burden is put on my back, a burden, not a joy, a burden, that I'll have to carry with me until I die, who wants to live like that? That's not true technically some people like that life and are quite happy with it but I'm not, I'd rather kill myself, I don't understand why the joy out of everything I use to love seems to be slipping away, I look at myself and I hate it so much, am I just pretending to be suicidal for attention? I don't know anymore I don't know, no I'm not suicidal honestly, I want a wife and kids and to have a job that I love doing, but I won't, I won't because I can't, I can't I try to just do it but it's not that simple, it's hard, I think I can overcome it but can I? I really can't. I just can't. I don't know where I'm going and all I can do is prepare for it, I don't know, what the heck am I even typing at this point why do I even care for anyone to hear at this point, honestly I'm just tired, I'm just done with everything and everyone, I like being alone, but I don't like this. I don't know I just don't know what to do, or if there's anything I can do, honestly I think I'm just screwed, done, game over, I'm not a kid anymore and I don't know to proceed to the next stage of this hell. Listen to me I'm so fucking spoiled, there are people who are so much worse out there and I'm bitching about such stupid things, I honestly should just kill myself or something for being such a fucking piece of shit, a complete disappointment to myself and soon to others as well, I just wanted to be something, fucking tears are making my vision blurry and I feel really sick now so I just want to lie down I guess now.
>I'm not suicidal honestly, I want a wife and kids thicc non-sequitur tbh